Ive never felt so crazy. It iznt just that Ime stuck on a tiny spaceship that feels more tinier every day. Its that Ive been strapped to a chair for most of the trip.
Amadeus, a two-meter, dark blue robot with a white face and red eyes, is horrible company. Still not the worst company, mind you, but so dry that he is just not entertaining, at all. Funny how many escape tactics you can think of when you feel trapped. Not that Ive thought of any good ones.
"My muscles are going to turn to goo!" Ime ranting. "Your going to drag me into court and then Ile just fall over and look like a victim and then your sham trial wont work!"
But my captor is a computer. "The trial is not taking place to make the P.T.M. look good for the people. It is taking place to make our dimension look bad to your people."
Yeah, but dimension hoppers arent a people. We dont have a language or a culture or a centimeter of shared space. Wer a billion separate people from nowhere, going nowhere. Just like I am on this fucking piece of shit spaceship.
"I have to go to the bathroom again," I lie. I just really need to get out of that chair.
"Perhaps I should check you for a urinary tract infection," robot said.
"No!" I yelled. "Shit, I have to take a shit."
"You can hold it until your next break."
"Its diarrhea!" I cry. "Come on, I got my whole life to be violated in a P.T.M. prison, the least you can do is give me bathroom rights before the trial!"
I dont know whats going through his computer brain, but he takes me to the bathroom. I stretch and wiggle and move as much as possible the whole way. Prison is starting to sound great as long as I dont have to be in that fucking chair!
Before, robot has let me use the toilet in privacy. I guess he knows Ime lying about needing to go, because he stands in the doorway the entire time. I cant convince him to leave. Cant even make him want to leave by making him pissed off or depressed, like I do with some people. He just stands there and watches.
Who knows what heel do if he catches me lying. So I decide to try using the toilet and just hope something comes out.
One nice thing about robot, he doesnt go, "I wanna kill her" or "I wanna fuck that." When robot looks at you, he doesnt feel anything, so you dont feel anything, either. Funny that this iznt a problem. Lucky that this iznt a problem. If anyone else had arrested me, I couldnt take my pants off like this. If a man had arrested me, I would have totally just held it until I died. I know exactly what men are thinking when they look at me. Wait, thats a lie. I know exactly when ther looking at me and thinking something they shouldnt. Ime just never sure if its rape or just murder. Even if I cant see the guy, even if I didnt know he was there before, I can feel their eyes on me. Thats how I know most men are monsters. If you can even look at me and want sex, your fucked up, motherfucker.
Being with robot is like being alone, only not. So Ime not afraid, and Ime not ashamed.
"How did you do that to yourself?" robot asked.
At first I think heez talking about my scars. But those dont matter to him. He means the bedsores. "You did this to me," I say. "Those are from spending all day and all night strapped to a chair!"
He examines me. Then he handcuffs me to a rail in the narrow hallway that leads to the cockpit. "Stand for a while," he says, and goes back to monitoring how the ship is doing.
I try to enjoy every moment I get to spend on my feet and look at something I cant already see when I close my eyes. Just the slightest change in location is like so nice. And its a pretty good-looking ship. I mean, you wouldnt want to take a cruise on it, but it can do a few cool tricks. It radiated some kind of blast that took out a bunch of police cars. It out-maneuvered two smaller spacecraft and took them both out. Only one of them managed to damage us, but hopefully weel land on Hydratellus before it becomes a problem. The ship is slowly running out of air.
But dont worry, that wont hurt robot. Just me.
I try to enjoy every moment on my feet. I really, really try to enjoy it. And I do.
For the first few hours.
"UGGHHH will you just fucking KILL ME?! PLEASE?!"
Robot's voice echoes down the hall. "Now whats wrong?"
"My brain is an amazing fucking piece of workmanship thank you very much and it fucking needs some fucking stimulation, goddamn it!"
He doesnt answer right away. "How are your bedsores?"
"Sore!" I retort.
"I am not designed for entertainment."
"So what is your function, killing cops and incarcerating little girls?"
He never actually tells me what he was built for. He comes out of the cockpit, though, eclipsing the light from the ships instruments with his hulking shadow. "What would stimulate your brain?"
Sometimes, Ime not sure which one of us is more sarcastic.
I said, "I dunno, tell me a story or something. Maybe the story of a teenager who was minding her own business looking for a safe place to live when a xenophobic G-man sent an idiot robot to capture her and kill anyone who stood in its way! That sounds like a great story!"
Robot does start telling a story, right away, stunning me into silence. "Once there was a colony planet named Volari. It was visited by a creature not only alien to its solar system, but to its very plane of existence. An extra-dimensional humanoid. The alien claimed to want nothing but a peaceful place of habitation, so the colonists taught him their ways and even allowed him to marry one of their own. It was around this time that a previously unknown pathogen began swiftly destroying people in the community. No one had seen anything like it. Before further research could be conducted, it spread to the rest of the colony. Within days, eleven millon P.T.M. citizens were lost. The only survivor was the alien, who evaded questioning."
I stand very still, feeling like Ime slowly withering to nothing, as I try to understand what heez saying. I was pretty young when I realized I was worthless. Now Ime realizing all the different ways I can be worthless.
Robot continues. "The Proxima Terrestra Military will take no chances with the lives of its citizens. A message must be sent, to all outsiders. You crossed our space. You will be the scapegoat. For the people of Volari, and the 20 billion other humans who may yet be lost to the horrors brought by extradimensionals. Cross the P.T.M., and we will crush you."
Cant make him leave. Cant even even make him want to leave by making him pissed off or depressed. He just stands there and watches.
Suddenly, robot uncuffs me from the rail and moves me to the storage hanger. "Lie down on your stomach," he says, "and give your sores time to heal."
I dont answer. He doesnt feel anything when he looks at me, so I dont feel anything, either. Why should I? Ime nothing. Nothing cant feel.
Its going to be a long trip to nowhere.
As he heads back to the cockpit again, I force a laugh and say, "Yeah, well fuck you, too!"